Tuesday, October 23, 2007
As I sit here in my tiny apartment watching yet another re-run of Sex and The City with a glass of cabernet on my night stand, I can't help but wonder. Is love a friend or foe?
It always seems that those of us who have loved and lost have become cynical and bitter toward the entire concept of unarmed intimacy. The pure thought of attempting to open our hearts to yet another man is comparable to that of watching a butcher take a meat cleaver to his next carcass. However, right next to our fear of vulnerability sits our faith in the search to find "The One." What if there isn't such a thing? What if we spend our entire lives searching for this perfect entity (The One), when in the end, it's simply a myth? What then?
At the ripe (and somewhat wise) age of 25, I find myself guarded and frightened behind this wall that I have built around me. Men have suddenly become the enemy - those who are out to hurt the core of who I am. They have become an object to conquer, something to master if you will. And so I sit here, rightfully alone with my glass of cabernet, writing about why it is that I am alone.
Even at my most pessimistic, I realize that love can be an unbelievable and simply amazing thing; something that makes life completely chaotic in an orderly and beautiful way. When love is the foundation AND building blocks of a relationship, it can be considered "friend." Something that is good, and rich, and larger than anything else in life. It is in this instance that we build on our myth of The One. And so when that man becomes a fallen hero - because in the end we always think of them as such - we become cynical and broken and can only see the foe in Love.
I realize that my inability to see the opportunity in the relationships I build is off-putting to prospective partners, yet I find myself with my hands tied and my heart hidden, again. I close myself off in the cavern of skepticism and live solely in the safe zone.
I find myself running in circles when it comes to men and dating and love and relationships. In the end - at the end of the day, it is me who has to be okay with me. I have to find a way to embrace change - good and bad - and learn from the experience. I need to learn to take a chance and leap without fear of falling... for it is when you leap that you learn to fly.